When all else fails, love prevails.
Clinical depression and bpd are so hard for others to understand. I’m the luckiest man in the world and I know it, I realize it, I see it, I’m grateful. She’s stuck by me through everything. Reminding myself of that doesn’t fix me though. Telling myself I should be happy won’t fix my brain without working on the imbalance.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t just wish myself happy, or guilt myself into it, or wish away the guilt of being unhappy. All I can do is accept it and try to learn how to start dealing with it and what things work for me and what won’t. I can try to learn how to use that to help others and to help my kids in the future.
All the guilt does is make you hide away who you are and hide your feelings. You put your “SaneSideOut”. It disassociates you and turns you into a recluse from the world. It makes everything worse. I can’t tell you how lonely I’ve been at times and how guilty that made me feel, especially because someone loves me. It made me resent myself and that made me angry towards everyone around me. I needed to let go of the guilt and work on accepting myself and being honest about who I was and what I felt.
We need to educate ourselves on the difference between sad days and clinical mental disorders. I’ve seen a lot of people talking about being positive -which is great- but it doesn’t fix a chemical imbalance. Its very alienating when someone tells you to focus on the positives or look at the bright side or to stop being so negative. “I have been focusing on the positives” you want to scream it out loud. “That’s why I feel so guilty about being so sad and lonely” “that’s why I want to die!” “I focus on the positives and I can’t figure out why I’m so broken”. It alienates those that might already feel guilty for being sad with no explanation for it.
We need to be conscious of that fact that we can’t all choose to be happy. It’s not that simple. I have a great life but that doesn’t stop my brain from telling me I shouldn’t be here or whispering “what’s the point?” “What does it matter?” “Who cares?”. I have someone who loves me but that doesn’t stop my brain from telling me I’m ungrateful and I should be happy and I’m a burden to them. It doesn’t stop my guilt from not being able to choose to be happy.
I’ve learned that being honest and trying to help others deal with these feelings has helped. It’s opened my eyes to how very surrounded we are by people just like us. We are truly not alone. We are all different but we are not unique.