selfish me.

This project has been a real tug of war for me at times. There are times where I don’t know if this is more for me or more for other people. On days like today it definitely feels like it’s more for me. I look at the insights and realize not a single person visited the site today and I get so incredibly down on myself that I want to give up but I know that this could someday be helpful to someone that feels this way -or at least to my kids so they know who I was while I was alive. So I write instead because since today is more for me, writing makes it better.

Then sometimes I get a message from someone on Instagram and they tell me about a problem they have, and we talk and by the end they usually tell me they feel better and a few days later they write to me again and we talk more and at the end hopefully they feel better again. I like that feeling. I enjoy knowing that someone trusts me and what I have to say, and they feel comfortable confiding in me. I like knowing that someone finds what I have to say comforting and important.

It’s odd but I built a life where I didn’t trust anyone. I spent a lot of time trying really hard not to let people down that when I got let down at all, for even the smallest things, I discarded those people and erased them from my life. It was almost too easy for me to erase them. It was as if they were never there. They barely left a shadow, but they certainly always leave a deep mark on me and the next time I’m even more careful of who I let in. I rarely let anyone in but I’m dying for interaction. It’s weird and confusing.

I’ve been told I’m way too open about things and that I tend to overshare, but I guess in a way its my way of testing how trust worthy you are. It’s my way of testing how far I can push you or what you can handle. It’s my way of testing how judgmental you will be towards me in the future. I also feel like it humanizes me sometimes. I don’t really know how to be a person anymore, so I overshare because I guess its what I think I’m supposed to do.

I look at my phone right now and its been days since someone text me besides my wife or her parents. It’s been at least a month since I spoke to a friend on the phone. Its been years since I hung out with a friend that was just my friend and knew me at all. It gets lonely, but I forgot how to make friends and I have no clue who to be or who I am or how to act. Anxiety didn’t help, and I hate crowds and bars and being away from my wife and kids and I never need a break from them. That shit doesn’t sit well with people that do enjoy those things. They look at me like I think I’m better than them, but I don’t. I really don’t. I really really don’t. I just choose to be around the people I know -without a doubt- that I can trust, the people I can depend on even if my expectations of dependability are unrealistic, and they don’t hate me and aren’t judging me. They are safe. I know they love me. I hate that there are consequences for being that safe… And sometimes I question their dependability and love too

I also have this incredibly overbearing and strange, uncompromising sense of morality and I hate it about myself. If someone’s morals aren’t in line with mine I disappear them like everyone else. I remove them from my life because I don’t see a way in which that friendship can be beneficial to either of us, especially when making important choices. I know how this makes me sound. I know how this makes me look. I AM AN ASSHOLE. I’m also full of shit and a hypocrite. I know it. I hate it. I wish I could explain this better…

I look at the world in a way where doing the right thing and being selfless is most important. Obviously, this makes me very one dimensional in the way I live and the way I make decisions. That’s so shitty of me to do. I am so ashamed of that, but I can’t help it. If I’m honest, maybe I don’t want to help it at all.  I watched a lot of selfishness growing up and I saw how it hurt and I felt it. I can’t do that to someone else, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. I can still feel it. I can physically feel what that’s like -even to this day. It makes you feel small. Insignificant. Less than nothing. Even the slightest selfish act is a turn off for me. I see things in right and wrong. I saw a lot of wrong done as a kid, and I just can’t be near it. It makes me feel like a bad person to even be associated with it. This has made me an unbearable person to be around. I am alone because I am unbearable and worry too much about being good, when I’m not even sure my version of good is right. I assume people think my attitude about morality is fake, and the fucked-up thing is that it isn’t. I’m teaching my kids these same things and I can’t help but think how alone I’m making them also. I don’t want that for them, but I want to raise good people. So, I don’t know what to do with that.

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