Well whatever I guess.

I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote this morning and then decided not to post that. Obviously, I still wanted you to know about it, so I told you. I don’t know why I needed that, but it stays in I guess.

So, what can we talk about? I guess we can talk about the wall I built around myself. Why not? I made a life for myself where people don’t think I need anything. I became so private that people don’t even give me a second thought. That isn’t to say that people are mean to me or hurt my feelings, I’m just illustrating a point. I shut myself off from the world until I became invisible. Even with this blog. Most of the readers are complete strangers. And I have to share it everywhere to get strangers to know it’s here. I haven’t had a share from Facebook from friends or family, or an invite to go read. Not one of my family members sees this as far as I know, and I’m kind glad in a way but in another I’m not. I believe that maybe two friends from back home have seen it and only one I’m sure has read some. The invites were sent on Facebook, the shares were posted from my profile, shared on my Instagram accounts too. It’s there, it exists. And yet, I am connecting more with people I’ve never met. That’s good right? We need each other and understand each other more than other people do.

In a way that’s really comforting because I know that I’m not alone and I don’t know if I ever wanted to be that open with friends and family anyway. Its almost nice to be able to keep hiding and not have to be honest. My family doesn’t really believe in mental illness anyway, so I’d be more of a disgrace then I already was. I say that very matter of fact. I accept it and I’m ok with it. That’s just the way things are. In another way its painful because I see them sharing jokes and funny posts and inviting each other to like pages about vaccines and cancer and running 5k’s and this is important to me and no one wants to touch it or be associated with it. And if that isn’t true that’s my perception and paranoia speaking, and I obviously need to learn to deal with that better. But I did invite people. I did ask them to share it. I did ask them to like the page. So, it really comes down to the wall I’ve built and its my fault. Or maybe I just need to know new people. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. Maybe this is a subject no one wants to be part of. There’s no cure and that isn’t sexy. Hope is hard to hold on to for us and that’s depressing. And maybe I’m being more honest than I should be, but my gauge for honesty is so fucked up I always end up making people uncomfortable by being too much of it.

I have to say here -and I think this is just me- but I don’t know what a best friend is. I know from tv and stuff, but I don’t know what that is in real life. I don’t really know what you’re supposed to do so I always just did what they do on tv. Blind side kicking. Blind support. Blind love. How am I even lucky enough to be married with kids? It isn’t like that surreal view of life hasn’t creeped into my marriage all the time. That’s so weird of me. Its disgusting in a way. I’m sharing your posts and liking your things and trying to support you. That’s why when it isn’t reciprocated in anyway, it kills me. Is that even right? Should it feel so personal? I don’t know. Obviously, this is something that popped into my head because it came from nowhere. I’ve been watching people around me be successful and I can’t help but wonder why I can’t get someone to support this stupid blog. When it comes down to it though, all I’m doing is complaining about my life and that isn’t entertaining, its depressing. No one wants to hear that. And there’s that stigma, creeping its way back in. The thing I wanted to fight. The thing I wanted to be brave about so other people would feel better. Its there though, I feel it all the time too. I am afraid to be who I want because I’m afraid of being hidden away and ignored and embarrassing people.

This all comes down to how hard I worked being independent. I asked for this. I built this life. I made it so that I didn’t need anyone or want anyone’s help or needed their support. Now that those things really matter it isn’t there and I’m alone. It isn’t like I even know how to ask anyway. I ask in a way that leaves the onus on others and not on how much I need it. “feel free too…”

I have to suck it up though. I can’t let that get to me because I know at least a few people have found some comfort in this and I have too. So, I hope this is helping someone because you’re the only ones I have to talk to right now. If I’m honest though, I know its my fault. I made sure my life was like that. I guess even when we don’t think we need attention, we do need attention. Obviously today isn’t a good day haha.

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