more or less?

So, I’ve been holed up in my house for a few days now, not being able to bring myself to run the errands we need to run. My wife knows these days well. She has gotten better over the years of just letting them run their course. There really isn’t anything anyone can do. It’s a me problem and I have to overcome myself in order to get through it.

When I go through these periods its usually because I feel too embarrassed to be seen in public for whatever reason; nothing to wear, I look like a fat pig in this, I don’t want to shower today, nothing fits me. Crowds are always hard for me. Especially after the aurora theater shooting. Grocery stores send me into this irritated mode where I cant wait to leave. Its hard to be in grocery stores. I dont even know why.

Those are the typical excuses that run through my head. I know those aren’t typical for a guy, but I’ve always had that problem. I’m the only one making this about being a male anyway. My family is rough on fat kids -none of my family is really overweight- and even though I thought I didn’t care, it’s pretty apparent I did. I lost 103lbs last year, hoping they’d like me when we came for a visit; I was down to the skinniest I have ever been in my life. They still really didn’t want anything to do with us. We were there for 13 days and only saw them once (other than an uncle and aunt we stayed with). It was so hurtful. It changed me. Again.

I gained some of the weight back (not because of that experience necessarily, mostly just laziness and gluttony) and now I can’t leave my house. Its so stupid. It is what it is I guess. I’ll get over it in a day or two and distract myself with making my kids laugh. That always works. Sometimes though even when we I can get myself to go out, I make my wife go in. I’m such a dick. I hate myself for doing that to her. She isn’t my employee.

It’s obvious that I have some problems with confidence, which is so ironic because growing up I was able to fake arrogance until I almost believed it. I ran around telling everyone how great I was because I knew that if I could get people to believe it and to believe that I thought it, that things would be easier. I needed that constant attention though, because when it was gone, even at night when I was alone. I couldn’t deal with myself. I would sit and panic. It was hard being alone. It was hard to be with my thoughts.

I still get like that some nights. I can feel them coming and I know its going to be a hard night to get through. I usually try to hint to my wife hoping she’ll stay awake with me, but I know that isn’t fair. I lay there with an iPad on my chest flipping through YouTube or whatever, hoping something hooks me enough that I don’t have to think. I can’t ever turn off my brain. It’s a shake in my head and its screaming at me “what are we going to do?! Oh my god! Make this feeling go away!”. Its just pure panic, and it won’t go away until I’m too exhausted to stay awake.


Anyway, how’s your week been?

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