I hate myself for being such a hypocrite.


 

**I recognize the hypocrisy soaking in this. I hate myself for posting it; but this is my brain and how it works. This is what my version of my mental illness looks like.


 

I won’t post this, but I want to make sure I remember it and document it. Its honest and I promised myself I’d be more honest with me, so I am. This is another documentation in the messy world of mental illness.

I have no one in my life that I would consider a friend. No one. Not one I consider close enough to trust. Only my wife. I trust her, but even that’s hard for me because I know people are mostly self-fulfilling. Everyone is guilty of that. I take that harder than most though. When people lie to me or lose my trust, its gone. Forever. You don’t get another chance. I wont ever see you the same way again. I will always feel that suspicion about you and your intentions and I will wait for you to disappoint me. I won’t let you disappoint me. I won’t depend on you or expect anything from you. I won’t ask you for help again. I won’t ask you for advice. I won’t ask you for comfort. Most of the time I will disappear from your life. I wont even tell you why. You have become someone that will hurt me, and I can’t handle much more of it.

Being lied to is the most painful thing that I ever feel. It is the thing that scars my soul the deepest. I feel it in everything and I don’t forget it. It hurts. If you think you got away with lying to me, chances are you didn’t. I can always tell. I got very good at finding it in people when I was a kid. My parents invented dishonesty. If you think I can’t feel it or you’re in denial about why we’ve lost contact, don’t be. I’ll set the record straight for you. I don’t trust you and you aren’t dependable. I can’t go to you the way I am and expect you to understand or even take the time out of your life. You aren’t dependable or available. You are not who I thought you were. And I am most definitely not who you thought I was. I’m the best at hiding in the open.

My wife lies to me. She’s the only person who’s ever gotten multiple chances. She makes promises. She tells me lies to save herself. She tells me lies because lying is easier than being honest. It hurts worst when she lies. I have gone through life being fiercely loyal to those I felt were loyal to me and she’s one of those people. When she lies it hurts me worse than anyone has ever hurt me. She’s the last person I have, the only person I have. She is the singular person that feels like they choose to love me. I guess it’s very hard for me to accept lying because of what it implicates and how belittling it is.

I don’t have that filter. I can’t have it. I can’t be disingenuous. If you lie to someone it shows lack of respect. It shows that you think you are better than them. Its condescending. Its selfish and narcissistic. You can’t love someone you lie to. You can’t love someone that lies to you. Lying isn’t something you do to someone you love. Its such a selfish thing to do. You aren’t saving me with your lies. You aren’t doing something honorable. You aren’t doing any one any favors. Why do it? Why become that person that can’t be trusted or depended on? I don’t understand. I can’t comprehend it. Its so fucking evil. Do you know how it feels to that person when they catch you? You didn’t think enough of them to tell them the truth. You didn’t consider them an equal. You didn’t consider them important enough or loved enough or mature enough. You didn’t see them as someone that deserved better. You saw them as less than yourself. You saw them as a hurdle in the way of protecting your own projection of yourself. Why? I don’t get it. I wish I could understand. I wish I could. Maybe I wouldn’t take it so hard then. Maybe I wouldn’t feel it like an apocalypse. If I could just understand, maybe I wouldn’t have to feel this way.

I know that this is a me problem. I know. This is a character flaw and I should get over it. Everyone lies right? I guess for me it’s because I can’t shake that feeling of being lied to as a kid. I can’t shake the broken promises. I can’t shake feeling beneath someone that didn’t think I was significant enough for honesty. I’ve lied. I lie to myself all the time. I know what I think of the people I’ve lied to. Maybe that’s the epiphany right there. I have only lied to people that meant nothing to me, so I justified it. I rectified that within myself. Maybe that makes me a worse person. Maybe I’m such an asshole that I think only I deserve the truth, and only I shouldn’t be lied to.

I saved the truth for people I really really loved and treated those I didn’t with calculated indifference. I measured their worth and then decided how much of the real me they deserved. When I had kids I promised myself I wouldn’t do that and I’d treat others as if we all have the same importance. That doesn’t make up for anything but I wont teach my kids that same coldness. Being a good example is very important to me. I don’t know if I’m trying to convince you or me. I don’t know if that even matters.

I am brutally honest with the people I love. I’m so egotistical and hypocritical that I believe in honesty. I believe in it so deeply that I don’t care if it hurts in that moment, I feel as if I’m doing the right thing for you. I feel as if I’m doing people a favor. And it isn’t that I don’t care, but more so that I want to see you live your best life. Who am I to decide what that it?

Maybe I’m the one that’s wrong. I can never figure out if I’m right or the world is right.

I hide who I am. But I promised myself I’d stop hiding. I promised my kids and my wife to be better and help myself. And I promised myself I would try to help other people, so they didn’t feel like me. I promised I’d be the most honest person I could be. So, I HAVE to post this. It’s the real me.

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