Reverence for you.


My middle son, who is just two, is already becoming a loving human like his older brother, he’s an incredible boy himself. And don’t get me started on my nine-month-old daughter haha. She’ll need a book written for her, in fact she’d demand it, but this is for my oldest son…

I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on my oldest son. He deserves the reverence.

I am in awe of this boy. This boy who taught himself to read and write using an iPad, this boy who speaks as if he comes from a proper English family, this boy who loves the world and feels everyone in it, this boy who has taught me how to be a man, this boy who has so many amazing qualities that I could never choose between them all as a singular reason why I adore him. I am so proud of this boy. My other two children are very young, I am beyond excited to see them when they are my oldest sons age. He has really hit his stride lately and turned into an incredible young man. I’m gushing and I’m not going to apologize or be ashamed about it.

I love to watch my oldest with his siblings. He is the kindest, most compassionate, and loving human I have ever known. There are times when I’ve forgotten to think of myself, when I’ve hidden my mood so well that no one else sees, or when I’ve become trapped by another mood swing or episode, and somehow this seven-year-old boy finds me. He finds me trapped inside of myself and he pulls me back up. “Dad you seem sad today, I want to hug you.” He’s seven! How is it possible that a kid that young has that kind of intuition? I know I’m not being obvious. Sometimes my wife can’t even tell, but I can’t ever hide from him. No one knows how to love me the way this kid does. He’s my hero in every sense of the word. He’s taught me so much more than I ever thought I could know and he’s shown me what unaltered humanity and compassion can be. He’s wise beyond his years and is constantly reminding us what it means to be good people.

I’ve never asked for that or wished for it or hoped for it, but somehow, he knows, and he does his best to love me. He just wants to be around me and that always melts me and breaks my shell into a million pieces, and when I can’t find the pieces to put back together, I know that it doesn’t really matter, because this boy just wants to be around me and that’s all he cares about and all he wants. That is a fucking honor. It is such an honor to be loved like that. It’s a privilege to be a dad. You don’t always earn that title, but you should certainly do your absolute best to. You should honor that title like your life depends on it because your children’s life absolutely does. He doesn’t know it but for me, just knowing he loves me has always been enough. He’s never needed to do anything but say those words back to us. It really is that simple when you have kids. You raise them to be better than you, happier than you, and content with their choices, and if they are, you’ve achieved some level of success.

Watching him with his siblings is another thing all together. I had siblings growing up and I never knew three humans could love each other so much let alone get along so well and care for one another the way they do. He always knows what they want or need and he’s amazing at making them happy when they are having a meltdown. He’s so attentive. He has this odd and amazing instinct for love and care. His eyes are always on the move, and his hands are always reaching out, his heart is always beating to the drumming of those he loves, and his soul is always bared in a very real and vulnerable way.

We all (him, his siblings, my wife, and I) went fishing recently for only his second time ever -he was too young to remember the first time. I don’t fish a lot at all, but I couldn’t get over his excitement, and how passionate he was, and then how proud he was after his first cast. He talked about it all day long, and he practically ran on the way to the river. We didn’t catch a single thing, but he was just happy to be there, and so was I. It’s hard to pull up happier memories than that right now. I could pull u any memory with my kids and I think it would be hard to put them up against each other. Right now, this one is fresh though. It’s a flood and it is drowning me. I will soak it all in as long as this feeling will last. I will sink to the bottom with it.

I am so honored to be his father. One of my favorite things about him is his excitement and enthusiasm. He’s never afraid to be himself. He’s never afraid to yell out with joy or scream “yes!” at the top of his lungs. I love that. The way his eyes light up and hes so excited to share his news with us or his accomplishments, and he’s just so pumped. I never want to steal those moments from him. I never want him to feel an achievement be minimized by us. How unfair would that be? If my seven-year-old is proud that he beat “lock and load” on geometry dash (a game in which I could never compete with him) then I should be ecstatic for him. He put in all that effort. He didn’t give up. He never ever gives up. Maybe you don’t see the point or lesson in it, but I do. How great is that quality to have? How great is that for a seven-year-old to have perseverance and dedication -laser focus? I don’t care if it’s a game. He applies that same dedication and focus to everything.

He’s so perfect and I am so grateful for him. I hope when I die that he can see this, and he can feel and remember how much I love him, for the rest of his life. I know he will do a great job of showing his siblings how much I love them as well. We are a very, very lucky family. This kid is my anchor and I hope one day he can free himself from me enough to build his own life. I hope he never feels a sense of obligation or responsibility to any of us. I hope he remembers to always take care of himself. I hope he remembers that his brother and sister are the most important people in his life, aside from his wife or husband and his own kids when and if he chooses to have any of those. I hope he knows that he never ever has to hide a single thing from us, especially the person he is. We wouldn’t ever love him less or judge him in anyway. He’s our son and we love him no matter what. I hope all my kids know and understand that. Most of all right now, I want him to remember that he’s a kid. We have to remind him all the time to be a kid and not worry. We have to remind him that we are his parents and he should spend his time being a brother and being our son. He hugs us and tells us he knows. I’m not sure he really grasps that concept yet. He’s too busy looking out for all of us.

I do worry about him. He is like an open wound at times and he feels everything and he feels it so strongly. He is so convicted in his morals and he sees the world in good and bad. There is no in-between for him. I was like that as a child and still am as an adult. It terrifies me that he might end up like me. I’ve done my best to make him understand the art of brushing it off and I am always telling him to “love his weird”. And I hope he remembers that when making choices in life, that if he’s going to feel shame, it isn’t worth doing. You should never do something you aren’t proud of. And being good, being honest, being happy, and helping others are the most important things in life. And money doesn’t mean a thing if you’re miserable. I don’t care what anyone says. If you aren’t happy it isn’t worth it. You will always find a way. I believe in you and I believe that. My faith in you is stronger than any faith I’ve ever known. There is no sense in wasting your life not doing what you want just so you can pay for shit. Be happy first.

Fuck I’m lucky. He really is just the best person I know.

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