Sometimes I wake up perpetuating my own misery. I wake up in the fog of a bad mood. The depression engulfs me like flames and I am on fire for the rest of the day. I try to find comfort in my children but the two youngest don’t want anything to do with me and so the mood gets worse. I find solace in my oldest and I feel guilty for using him as a light for my darkness.
Depression is weird like that. There’s no explanation. You just feel one way or another with no explanation or reason behind it. Sure there are triggers but sometimes you just feel hopeless. It’s just there. Part of you. And you look for any escape. You are desperate to get out -until you’re not. Until you give in. Until you accept it. And you always end up accepting it because most of the time it’s more powerful than you and you’re just too exhausted to fight it today. You’ve been fighting it all week or month or year. So you sink in and prepare for it and you hide. And that’s how you learn to deal with it. You try your best to deal the way you think others would deal with it -you try to think positive- but you fail because you know they don’t understand. And that’s your chemicals mixing the wrong cocktail. They are lying to you, telling you you’re alone and no one understands.
I feel everything on days like this. I feel every look, and I swear everyone is talking about me. I feel extra disgusting in my appearance and no matter what I try I can’t make myself feel more comfortable in my own skin. Everyone is staring and I want to be invisible.
I want to hide in bed all day and sleep, but I’m wide awake. I want to just get today over with but it just started. I can’t move past the panic of having the day ahead of me. No distractions. No plans. Nothing to do. No one to see. It’s just going to be long and empty.
These days are the worst. And it all started because I was so sure that today would be awful. I created this day. I created this mood before ever stepping out of bed. Good for you, you idiot.