There are lulls and spaces where you feel you couldn’t be any deeper than you are right now. Then the bottom drops out and you begin falling. I’ve always told anyone I’ve spoken to to wait and see. Just wait and see what happens next. You couldn’t possibly predict it. You might think you know what’s coming next. You might think you’ve peaked and this plateau never ends, but tomorrow comes with so much uncertainty that you just never know.
If it isn’t better today, wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow you can wait for the next day. You have to wait though. You will have good days, and some days will be unbearable and painful and tormenting. Some days might be exhausting and you won’t have the will or energy to go any further. It’s ok to lay in bed if you have to. It’s ok to hide. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to reach a point where you think you are too broken to fix. But it’s also ok to reach out and ask for help. It’s ok to find someone that can relate. It’s ok to tell someone what’s going on without feeling guilty or burdening.
You are not a burden. You are a person that feels everything. You feel so deeply that you wouldn’t wish this on anyone, so you hold it all inside for fear of affecting someone’s mood or becoming a problem. You care so deeply that you couldn’t stand to be selfish or do a selfish thing and your heart breaks when you know you need help but it hurts to ask because you think you’ve taken something away from the world. You think you’ve taken some attention from someone that needs it; but then who will attend to you? Who will know to attend to you if you don’t ask? You can’t save the world alone. You can’t save the world by pretending your world is ok.
The exhaustion comes from the act of being ok. And when you realize it’s ok not to be -you’ll feel a little lighter. When you realize that you deserve the help you desperately want someone to volunteer, you’ll find your way back home. It’s going to be hard. You will have to fight. You’ll learn more about yourself and be more self aware because you see everything through an avatar of yourself. You see the world as if you are watching your own movie. You see the next three steps ahead and that’s your advantage. You just have to apply it to yourself sometimes. Your voice is soft but your soul is screaming and I can hear it. The ones who’ve been in this place can hear you as loud as the aftermath and destruction of a suicide. You aren’t alone. We can hear you. Just say the words and we can find each other and drop this weight that we carry.
You won’t ever be old enough to know if this is as good as it gets. You have no idea what’s out there. In the end everything can be ok. If it’s not ok, then surely it isn’t the end.
You are more powerful, and hopeful, and brighter, and good, than you know. Your compassion is unparalleled because you wouldn’t wish that burning in your chest on anyone. You know what invisibility feels like. You know how cold it can get. You know how to scream without making a sound. You know how to feel it all and wish you didn’t feel anything. And when the numbness comes you know what it’s like to wish you felt everything again and understand exactly why you’d wish it all back.
You know you’ve learned a lot and grown a lot from it. You are wiser for it, and you appreciate everything because of it. You are grateful in the moments that truly matter and you are gracious and accepting because you want to be. You’re morality can get in the way but you’re sense of right and wrong is unwavering and beautiful, so use it whenever you can.
Somewhere deep down you know this is a superpower and you’re better for having it. You know it makes you want to be good to everyone and the world needs more and more of that. You know it makes you love harder than anyone, and give more, and be more, and be there for others better than anyone, because you have to. You know what being let down feels like and you can’t be responsible for doing that to someone else. You have to know it gets better. You have to. You have to see your impact. It’s bigger than you realize. Look at it all through that beautiful empathy that you have and give in to it. You know as well as I do that it’s true. It isn’t selfish. It isn’t awful. It isn’t wrong. You have worth. You are worthy. You are miles ahead because you’ve gone miles and miles on your own. Forget that now. Let that go. You aren’t alone. We are all different but we are not unique.