sanesideout

  • Mother’s day two

    Mother’s day two

    Father’s Day. I’m not sure what this holiday means to me. I never celebrated it as a kid. I watched kids make things for their dads in elementary school. I always made a Mother’s Day two gift. It was weird, and I didn’t know any better, so it didn’t mean anything. I didn’t know dads…

  • Undisputed championing

    Undisputed championing

    I wrote this earlier and knew I wouldn’t post it right away. I knew this would go away. I know myself. I know my moods. I recognize when it’s dramatic and when it’s real, or when I’m just trying to escape myself, and when I’m trying to vent and when I’m seeking attention. At 32…

  • Communal Finality

    Communal Finality

    Suicide. There have been some very public suicides this month. Barely into the second week of June and already three public suicides, let alone the thousands of others with no sound or voice. Just private pain with no where to escape but out. Its terrible. We see these suicides and those of us that have…

  • It does get better

    It does get better

    There are lulls and spaces where you feel you couldn’t be any deeper than you are right now. Then the bottom drops out and you begin falling. I’ve always told anyone I’ve spoken to to wait and see. Just wait and see what happens next. You couldn’t possibly predict it. You might think you know…

  • The dark lining

    The dark lining

    I want to come up with a reason to live. I try really hard to everyday. I look at my kids and hope the love I have for them saves me; but then my daughter pushes me away or my middle son won’t hug me, or a promise is broken, and I’m reminded how very…

  • Good for you idiot.

    Good for you idiot.

    Sometimes I wake up perpetuating my own misery. I wake up in the fog of a bad mood. The depression engulfs me like flames and I am on fire for the rest of the day. I try to find comfort in my children but the two youngest don’t want anything to do with me and…

  • Reverence for you.

    Reverence for you.

    My middle son, who is just two, is already becoming a loving human like his older brother, he’s an incredible boy himself. And don’t get me started on my nine-month-old daughter haha. She’ll need a book written for her, in fact she’d demand it, but this is for my oldest son… I just wanted to…

  • Are you confused yet?

    Are you confused yet?

    Growing up I took different traits from people I liked or admired and I adopted them as my own. I had no identity. I had no idea who I was. I was everyone. That’s not such a huge deal as a kid or as a young man but as an adult it wreaks havoc on…

  • Here’s your fucking blog

    Here’s your fucking blog

    The worst part is not having anywhere to run to. No one to run to. And sometimes I want to run so bad that it’s painful. Sometimes I want a best friend to run to or a place I can go to feel better. To feel comfortable. Comforted. I haven’t found that yet. Making friends…

  • The Goal?

    The Goal?

    I used to write in this way where I’d wind the words together and spin them into this long yarn of depth (or what I thought was depth) and poetry. Id weave all the letters together into this string of fantasy and naïve story telling. I’d spend my night’s drawing up a way in which…