And then there are these really crazy periods of calm and happiness that I can’t explain but I enjoy every second of them. I see my wife for the strong beautiful woman that she is, and I look at my kids and I know how lucky I am to hold them and hug them and tell them I love them every chance I get. I smile a lot and laugh a ton and just enjoy it as long as it lasts. When its gone I’m a new person, I forget how lucky I am, I forget how incredible my wife is, I forget how lucky I am to have my kids -and even though it sounds selfish- I forget how lucky they are to have me too. It makes me bitter and angry and hard to deal with. She sticks by me through it all though -changing her life for me and being next to me. I don’t deserve her but I’m glad she feels like I do. She deserves better but I’m glad she settled for me. And if you could see her, especially the way I see her, you’d see that she certainly settled.
Those days… those days where the light shines on me and keeps me warm, and everything I see is brighter -they come more often now it seems, or maybe I’ve just gotten so good at recognizing their impending arrival that I tend to ride them out from beginning to end. There’s always an end though and I can never tell how hard the crash will be, but I can usually feel it coming too. Each day is a little darker until I can’t bring myself to see that the sun exists for me as much as everyone else. Even the glow of the light under a door seems like it wants to run from me. That crash happens every time. I’m kind of at peace with the cycle now, but today is a good day so its easy to say that.
I suppose the crash isn’t that important… What matters is getting through it. I always manage to do that. In all honesty sometimes its much harder to get through. Just have to ride it out. Ride it out. You have to. I guess in a way I’ve held on to the hope of the unknown. I don’t know what is coming tomorrow so I ride it out. I don’t know what’s coming next week, so I ride it out. There have been points for sure where riding it out seemed like the worst possible idea, but this project has really helped mitigate that.
I want to write everyday and I’m hoping I can do that. I’m not going to put a whole bunch of pressure on myself though. I don’t want to make a promise of good intentions and then let myself down. That won’t be good for anyone. I am going to write when I write though. I’m also trying incredibly hard not to proof read (punctuation and grammar weren’t ever my strong suit anyway) so that it comes out more honest and raw. I think we all deserve that kind of opportunity to fail and to make mistakes. I want to be better at accepting myself and who I am, because if I don’t, I can’t preach that to anyone, especially my children.
I used to think I had to be really depressed to do anything creative and to do it well. I sang better, I wrote better, I played guitar better, I felt harder, I told the truth better. That was such bullshit though. I was giving myself excuses to feel shitty and not have to help myself. For myself at least, writing has been more about honesty lately. Being honest about everything is more important. Honesty can’t be taken away, honesty gives you a unique voice.
Today was one of those good days. I’ll write more about these because I think that they need to be documented as well so that people can see what clinical depression and BPD are like during manic phases as well.