sanesideout

  • Honesty or whining

    Honesty or whining

    I can’t rectify being honest and speaking truthfully with not complaining and whining. It’s an inner battle that I struggle with every time I write. Where is the line? Am I complaining or narrating? Documenting or whining? I have no clue. I’m always going to get that disgusted feeling I get when I talk about…

  • And then sometimes beer…

    And then sometimes beer…

    Here’s something interesting… I am a man and I have always resented men. I resent them for how disconnected they are from their families and how they think its ok to be. I resented them for always justifying things and giving themselves excuses to be absent or too manly to be there for their kids.…

  • Well whatever I guess.

    Well whatever I guess.

    I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote this morning and then decided not to post that. Obviously, I still wanted you to know about it, so I told you. I don’t know why I needed that, but it stays in I guess. So, what can we talk about? I guess we can talk about…

  • Never start a sentence with “and” -unless you feel like it.

    Never start a sentence with “and” -unless you feel like it.

    And then there are these really crazy periods of calm and happiness that I can’t explain but I enjoy every second of them. I see my wife for the strong beautiful woman that she is, and I look at my kids and I know how lucky I am to hold them and hug them and…

  • Panic! At The anyplace and everyplace without warning -Disco.

    Panic! At The anyplace and everyplace without warning -Disco.

    The first time I had an anxiety attack I thought I was dying. I couldn’t breathe, my tongue felt tingly, my hands felt like pins and needles, my ears were ringing, and everything was going black. I started to freak out. I was in full panic. The ironic thing is I had been pretty suicidal…

  • Can’t Cannot Will Not Wont

    Can’t Cannot Will Not Wont

    I let my mood dominate me too often. I let it slide around and wrap me up and slip its way into every thought and sentence and glare. I hate you can sometimes drowned out everything I want to be and everything I wanted to say. But here I am and I’m screaming it. Do…

  • selfish me.

    selfish me.

    This project has been a real tug of war for me at times. There are times where I don’t know if this is more for me or more for other people. On days like today it definitely feels like it’s more for me. I look at the insights and realize not a single person visited…

  • When all else fails.

    When all else fails.

    When all else fails, love prevails.   Clinical depression and bpd are so hard for others to understand. I’m the luckiest man in the world and I know it, I realize it, I see it, I’m grateful. She’s stuck by me through everything. Reminding myself of that doesn’t fix me though. Telling myself I should…

  • At the bottom

    At the bottom

    I remember when I was a kid I would walk up to someone and say hi and we were friends. I was always shy as a kid. I was the “fake it until you make it kid”. I would pretend away my nerves until they disappeared. My mom told me I had to force myself…

  • I’m terrified.

    I’m terrified.

    This project terrifies me; but this isn’t about just me anymore. “Why did I say that?” “what did I do wrong?” “Why are they looking at me?” “What should I have said?” “They hate me, I know it.” “What’s the point?” “They’d be better off without me.” “Who cares.” “It doesn’t matter anyway.” Mental illness…